let's get lost
by Tibby Rose
Summary: and she runs.


**a/n: ugh what am i doing**

Serena's never been good at facing facts. Instead, she runs.

When Blair tells her she kissed Dan, she runs.

Straight in to the arms of Carter Baizen.

...

She doesn't know how she feels towards Carter.

He's fun but he's not her. He's with her when she doesn't like facing the truth.

Like all the other times. Santorini and everywhere else.

She knows they'll never be anything more than a recurring fling.

...

She leaves him again when she realizes _Nate's still free._

And he'll wake up alone and wonder where she is.

She never really feels guilty. Only a little bit. But Carter knows whatever they have when they have it, is a fling.

...

She comes back and Dan and Blair are happier than ever.

She smiles and says it's alright but she's not sure if it is.

She sees another missed call from Carter on her phone and takes another champagne flute.

Maybe this is how he feels everytime she leaves.

...

She's always had Nate wrapped around her little finger.

Just a few words and a smile and he's hers again.

But she feels as if she's as lost as before.

...

Nate pulls away when Chuck leaves.

Nate doesn't understand why the people close to him leave when it gets rough.

Serena doesn't know what to say.

She just thinks that maybe Nate and Carter are more similar than she thought.

...

Jenny comes back and Nate goes back to her.

Serena tries to call Chuck but she doesn't succeed.

There's very few guys in Serena's life. Her brothers-blood and not are her rocks. But one's Jenny's best friend and the other is avoiding everyone. She's dated many guys. She's only ever thought she belonged with two of them. One's dating her best friend and the other is in love with her stepsister.

She thinks about the guy who always thought the world of her, even if he had a terrible way of showing it.

...

Serena jumps from guy to guy to get mind off everything.

She hasn't seen Carter in a year but she's fine with that.

But Blair and Dan announce their engagement and she feels the need to lose herself. So she runs.

"Let's get lost" he smiles when she arrives, and that's exactly what they do.

...

"I don't get it" she muses, taking another sip of the cheap wine Carter has "Blair's happy. Dan's happy. Nate's happy. Jenny's happy. And according to Gossip Girl, Chuck's happy with his hookers."

Carter smirks at that but she is too upset to care. Instead she looks at him as if he has the answer. But he doesn't even if she wants him too.

"Why can't I be happy?"

She cries in to his arms, even though he keeps telling her "I'll keep you happy, beautiful."

...

But Carter doesn't have all the answers. So Serena leaves.

And she goes back home, where it's all about weddings.

She busies herself with being the best Maid of Honour ever, and not with the thoughts of DanandBlair and NateandJenny and ChuckandHookers and EricandhisloyaltytoJenny and _Him._

But one of those thoughts refuse to give up.

...

"S, are you mad at me?"

It's a simple question, with a complicated answer. Serena doesn't want to answer , but Blair looks so upset at the thought of losing her best friend that she does.

"No, I'm just mad at myself."

Blair hugs her, burying her face and Serena's golden hair "Why?"

"I've screwed up. And now everyone's happy but I'm not because I screwed up. But it's not you and Dan, B. Or Jenny and Nate. It's-"

She doesn't finish the sentence but Blair holds her tighter, and the unspoken words linger in the air.

...

It rains on the day of Dan and Blair's wedding.

She likes it because she can hide her tears. Not of sadness. She's happy, for Dan and Blair anyway. They've both been screwed over so many times but now they're together and they love each other and Serena's happy about that, she really is.

She's just sad about other things.

...

She rings the familiar number, twisting the phone cord around her finger til it starts to turn purple. She gets voicemail and awkwardly clears her throat.

"Carter. It's me. It's been a while and-"

"Hello?"

The female voice on the other ends brings her back to the days of Aaron, but it hurts even more this time so she hangs up and closes her eyes, hoping to fall in to darkness.

...

Nate and Jenny go off to get a private marriage. Chuck does the same. She doesn't know the girl, but she doesn't care. Blair and Dan's marriage couldn't be better. Serena couldn't be worse because she misses him but she was so horrible to him.

"Am I a bad person?"

"No."

Blair may be the only person she can trust. So she takes her word for it when she continues.

"But you're in love with _Carter Baizen._"

...

She runs back to Carter again. She always did, always does, always will.

He looks confused, but accepts her hug and wipes away her tears.

"Won't your girlfriend be upset to see me here?"

He laughs at that, shaking his head in disbelief.

"A girlfriend? Beautiful, the only girl who I care about enough to make my girlfriend is you."

"But I called you and-"

"I don't think that matters to you. You're here."

She nods and smiles and a week later they join the marriage club that Nate and Jenny and Chuck are already a part of.

It feels like she's finally home.

...

Serena's never been good at facing facts. Instead, she runs.

Straight in to the arms of Carter Baizen.

Being with him helps her get lost. It helps her forget everything bad that's happening. It used to be like that anyway.

Now he just makes it seem like nothing bad can happen.

_Hello, beautiful._


End file.
